What Is Grooming?

Keeping Secrets illustrates the connection between the "magician's oath" to never reveal the secret of any magic trick—and how that oath can be manipulated by abusers to exploit young magicians and ensure their silence about sexual abuse. In the world of child sexual abuse prevention, this process is called grooming.

What Is Grooming?

Simply stated, grooming is a deliberate and specific set of behaviors an abuser uses to build trust, gain access to, and manipulate a child and their support network in preparation for sexual abuse. Knowledge about these grooming behaviors is an important aspect of prevention, because they typically occur over time (days to months) and precede the actual act of abuse. This allows parents, caregivers, and organizations an opportunity to recognize, respond to, and report the behaviors to protect the child ahead of time.

Before the abuse can take place, the offender must be able to create opportunities to be alone with the child and must be able to overcome the child’s resistance. The grooming process has several components that include the physical and psychological grooming of the child and the grooming of the family and community.

Elements Of Grooming

Physical grooming involves desensitization to touch. Starting with innocent pats on the back or arm, an acceptable form of touching a younger person, the offender progresses the touch to hugging, tickling, wrestling, or having the child sit on their lap. This conditions the child to increasing levels of physical contact. All the while the child feels that nothing is wrong because they basically interpret the touch as like one given from a friend or parent. However, each and every touch of the offender is designed to make the child receptive to their touch —eventually progressing to sexual contact.

At the same time, the offender uses psychological grooming with both the child and the family. Offenders spend time with their victims; they show children attention and use any possible method of communication that allows the child to feel they are on the offender’s level and that the offender understands them. Offenders try to become peers to their victims— peers with power and, thus, control; and use their power and control over the victims as a way of eliciting cooperation. Special gifts, treats, breaking rules, foods they might not be allowed to eat at home, trips, and attention allow for a deep connection to be forged between themselves and the child.

If the child pulls away, the offender shows signs of feeling rejected and unhappy, and the child feels guilt and confusion. Offenders sometimes even resort to physical threats to the child's family, pets, or friends if the child wants to discontinue this “special relationship.” At the same time, the offender grooms the parents, who feel good that another adult is showing their child attention—and allow the offender to be alone with the child for increasing periods of time. The end result of these tactics allows the offender to eventually isolate the child and minimize the risk of discovery, while also confusing the child into feeling responsible for, or complicit in, the abuse—which is one of the primary reasons most children do not report (estimates are that only 10% of child sexual abuse is ever reported).

Finally, community grooming is the way in which offenders create a controlled environment around themselves. Offenders project an image to other adults (employers, workplaces, parishes, community organizations, etc.), that they are responsible and caring citizens. They mimic the behavior of good people to get closer to children so that they might molest them. When an allegation comes forward, it is easily explained away by other adults who have been groomed by the offender to think that they would never harm a child. When employing these grooming tactics with a child, secrecy is the key. They manipulate the child into keeping the abuse a secret by convincing them that they allowed it to happen and were willing participants. These tactics bind the child to the molester; and, in many cases, convince the child that no one would believe them if they told.

Offender Warning Signs

Offender Warning Signs. It is vitally important for adults to understand grooming behavior and how it works in order to prevent it or put a stop to it. In order to groom a child, offenders exhibit certain “red flag” behaviors:

  • They always want to be alone with children in areas where no one can monitor their interaction

  • They allow children to do things their parents would not permit, like swearing, smoking, watching PG or R rated movies, staying up late, etc.

  • They have an attitude that the “rules” don’t apply to them and that they can operate outside of the normal organizational or interpersonal boundaries outlined in policies or codes of conduct

  • Given a choice to interact with adults or children, they always seem to be more excited to be with children than with adults

  • They often discourage other adults from participating or monitoring activities where their interactions with children could be limited or observed more closely

  • They go overboard in physical touching, use sexual language or swear in front of children, tell sexual jokes, and may “accidentally” expose the child to pornography by leaving material out for the child to see

  • They give gifts without permission or knowledge by parents or other adults, and demand secrecy about those gifts

  • If anyone questions what they’re doing, they minimize any concerns raised about how they are interacting with children

  • They create opportunities to communicate with and be around children outside the context of their role as teacher, coach, etc.—often employing email, texting, Facebook, and other forms of social media to engage in private, often explicit, communication with children

While these behaviors do not necessarily indicate a person is grooming a child or family, any one of them could be considered inappropriate. An adult displaying these behaviors bears watching. If the behaviors persist after attempts at correction, they should be reported to managers and supervisors— or to the authorities. Make no mistake. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse are active decision-makers; and they continuously evaluate the likelihood of successfully committing this crime, while balancing the odds against the possibility of being caught.

Resource Pages

The resource pages provide information about where parents, caregivers, and organizations can go to learn more about grooming, child sexual abuse, prevention, and the organizations and agencies that can provide immediate assistance and services if you suspect a child is being harmed.